I Choose Grace

I write from my heart not my head, but as I begin this blog post, defensiveness builds, pulling me into my head. I stuff my heart deep inside. Safe.

I am not here to defend myself, but a recent conversation put me on the defense.

Here on this website, I give you intimate glimpses into my life. I share simple little snippets of my daily experience, and how I am learning to heal from trauma. I experienced trauma on many levels throughout my life. And I continue to.

My main desire is to give a voice to those who suffer abuse, trauma and pain. Trauma victims face many challenges. I want to bring those challenges into the light.

Abuse is… Physical. Emotional. Sexual. Spiritual. Verbal.

It happens at… At work. At church. At school. In war. In peacetime. In the home. In government. In relationship. In friendship. In love.

Even worse when done in the guise of love.

Trauma is the result of abuse, and affects us at our very core.

Trauma manifests itself in many ways if not dealt with. It’s going to come out somehow.

Pain is unresolved trauma. Pain manifests in many ways including abuse. Vicious circle.

When abuse is forced into silence, when it is not given a voice, even simple everyday events can re-traumatize.

Ultimately this is for the trauma victim, but I also speak to those who have not been traumatized. I believe that by living in this fallen world, we are all exposed to trauma on some level. We have just learned to cope with it.

We try to bury it or fight against it or run from it.

What are your coping mechanisms?

Food. Exercise. Spiritual fervor. Perfection. Anger. Work. Play. Self-aggrandizing. Self-deprecation. Drugs. Caffeine. Alcohol. Too much weight. Too little weight.

Where do you place the blame?

Yourself. Your spouse. Your God. Your church. Your boss. Your child. Your circumstances. Your status. Satan. Sin. Fallen world. Too little money. Too much money.

If only… Finish that sentence.

Okay, that’s a lot to take in. So let’s slow it down a bit. What are you feeling?

I’m feeling tension in my jaw, throat, neck and shoulders. My sitz bones are clenched.

Take in a deep breath, pulling the tension in even further. Tighten everything up. Hold it. Hold it. You’re okay. I’m right here. Feel where the ground is supporting you. Are your feet on the ground? Feel them. You are safe. God has given us support all around. He is in you and around you. He is right here in the dark. Accept that support.

Now release everything. Exhale slowly and deeply. Rest in this silence. Stay here for a moment.

Now, find where the tension remains. Where is the resistance still holding? Is there pain?

What do you need? Do you need to stand up and walk around? Or curl up in ball? Do you need to scream? Or jump? Or run? Or just close your eyes?

Whatever it is, honor your body. Trust your experience. This body belongs to you, and can teach you so much, if you listen.

A breath for the suffering.

The Flying Lesson

Be present in your skin.

To live is to suffer. To survive is to find some meaning in suffering. -Friedrich Nietzsche

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